Korean-or-American

I leave on a plane to Korea in one week. Am I still nervous? Yes but I have been calming myself with the sweet sounds of credit card swiping. I have found that having travel plans gives me a great excuse to buy, buy, buy. I may be broke when I arrive in Seoul but I’ll be looking very stylish. I have also found that I possess the skill of justification. “Oooh, those shoes are cute. I’ve been needing new shoes anyways. I’ll NEED them in Korea. Yes! I want them, I NEED them. Must have them!” This has happened with shoes, shirts, make up, various toiletries, books, and even the undergarments that I’m pretty sure no one will see. However, I tell myself that its ok to be spending money like I’m Paris Hilton because I normally never buy much more than food. And since Paris doesn’t look like she spends much on food at all, I’m actually saving money in comparison. (See how this justification thing works? )

Even though I kid, I think the shopping and preparing has made me more excited about the trip. Not that I wasn’t excited before but now it seems more real. Soon I’ll be squeezing out shampoo from a teeny, airplane safe, 3oz. bottle. I’ll be cursing at the dead batteries in my camera. I’ll be worrying about panty lines in my new white outfit for the final party. The full shopping bags around the house and the worried look in my cat’s eyes is making it all sink in. Some of the online-friends are either there already or on their way and I’m very eager to meet them.

I hope everyone’s travels are safe and I’ll see you soon! The buying storm is over and its time to get packing!

Butta is the tagger of “8 random facts about me”. I, the tagee, have put together these eight random facts about myself. Enjoy!

1. I am going to Korea for the first time in less than a month. It makes me giddy and want to barf all at once.
2. I had heart surgery when I was 13. I was in the hospital for 5 days. That’s back when I was a healthier version of myself.
3. I hate mushrooms. I will eat anything else on the planet but biting down on a mushroom feels like chewing on pencil erasers.
4. I, like Butta, have a very naughty habit involving tobacco but a very good habit of working out at a gym. We are complex creatures.
5. I bite my nails. I have never had long nails. Once my friend put on some of those fake nails on me. I was enjoying it at first. It was fun to make that tapping noise that annoys everyone around you. And I could dial the phone like a Jersey girl using the very tip of my nail. But when I went to the bathroom and couldn’t zip up my own pants I knew long, fake nails were not for me.
6. I have a cat who has “cat acne”. The vet told me so and every so often I have to pump her up with steroids. She’s the buffest cat you’ll ever see.
7. I like to have a beer at night. If I’m out on the town I usually prefer a vodka tonic. Or vodka cranberry. Or a mojito. Or a Malibu Baybreeze. Or pretty much anything else alcoholic. But I’m not an alcoholic so don’t get the wrong idea.
8. One of my favorite movies is Flashdance. I think its very inspiring despite all the spandex.

I am now tagging anyone who wants to be a tagee. Try it, its fun! Even leave your random facts here in my comments if you like.

I faithfully go to visit my mom and grandmother three times a week for dinner. We eat, watch the news, and drink some decaf. The talk is usually light chit chat. On one of these evenings last week I brought out my translated adoption papers. I was a bit nervous because we’ve never had a real talk about my adoption. She has often told me the story of my adoption from her perspective. The waiting. The excitement. How she knew I was hers since she saw my first photograph. She read over the papers and said she was glad I was going to Korea and that it would be good for me. So far, so good. We continued to talk about my years growing up and I mentioned how there were not many Asians then. She responded by saying, “But there are more now!”. Then she sat and thought for a minute. Then she asked The Question. “Are you glad you were adopted?”. I hesitated because I felt like it was a loaded question. How am I supposed to answer that? To me this is not a yes or no question. Plus it was bordering on the “Aren’t you grateful you were adopted?” question. Without knowing how to sum up my multitude of feelings I meekly answered yes. My hesitation was definitely noticed. She said I didn’t sound so sure. So I tried to explain how I wished that I knew more about where I came from. How I wished I had grown up knowing other Asian kids. How I wished that being Asian was something significant. I looked at my mom. She was looking more upset at this point. She said she didn’t know if my life would have been any better if I had stayed in Korea. My grandmother then asked if I loved them. I was insulted by the question. I continued to try to explain that these issues and feelings are not unique to me. Many other adoptees feel the same way and they come from all different types of homes- from the most loving of atmospheres to the abusive. I tried to explain that of course I love them. They are my family and I have no other but love cannot fix everything. My mom finally burst out crying. She has always suffered from extremely low self esteem and has carried around a lot of unnecessary guilt about her mothering. Since my one and only sibling is a jackass, I am “the good one”. I support my family in many ways. One way is by constantly reassuring my mom that she’s a good mom. I told her I didn’t tell her all of this to make her feel bad or guilty. But she only kept saying that she let me down. That she had screwed up with both of her children. My grandmother, the peacekeeper of the family, consoled my mom by telling her that she only did what she felt was right at the time. When I was four my dad went to work one day and never came home. He ran off to California and started a new life. For three years my mom had no clue of his whereabouts. She just knew that she was stuck with two kids and a lot of debt. She spent many years working three jobs and trying to stay sane. I understand this was a difficult time. Working and raising us must have been draining. I always told myself this when I wondered why she never included anything Korean in my life. I don’t know if she just never thought about this or if she did but hoped it would never become an issue. But it was certainly becoming an issue now. She told my grandmother to stop making excuses for her and that she should have tried harder with me. I felt confused by all of my emotions. Angry because I thought what she said was true. Why didn’t she try harder? Was race ever discussed when they were trying to adopt a Korean baby? Didn’t they know I would be asking questions at some point? I was saddened to think of how upset she was getting but irritated because this was becoming less about my issues and more about hers. We just sat in silence for a while until I said I had to go. My grandmother walked me out. “She’ll be ok. I understand.” she told me. I’m not so sure about either of those statements. I don’t know how this will change our relationship. I hope for the better. A more open and honest relationship. But it feels like its heading for the worse. Like a wall that’s always been there but we pretended not to see it.