Korean-or-American

Yes, I know, it has been many many months since I have blogged. Forgive me… whoever is reading this. It is sometimes difficult to find the words or even know how I am really feeling until a lot of time has passed.

I went to Korea. I drank. I ate . And I met a lot of new people. I was around so many Asian people it blew my mind. But it is amazing how easily you fall into regular life. Since I returned from Korea in August I have been busy working, wedding-ing, living life, etc. I was obsessed with Korea when I came back. I wanted to learn Korean, eat Korean, smell Korean, be Korean (whatever that is). I became very interested in all things Korean. Especially family. I barely tried to search for birth family when I was there in August. I figured I was taking in all I could manage without adding the intensity of looking for a birth family. But I think ultimately that is my goal. Maybe I was too intimidated by the idea of actually finding them… or not finding them. It was amazing to me how many adoptees were there to visit family. To me, family was back in the States, not in Asia! And it was also amazing to see how many adoptees, many years younger than I am, who had found their birth families already. I think it almost gave me the wrong impression or false hope that it is so easy to find your Korean family. It seems like everyone can find someone if they just put in a little effort.

I have put in little effort so far. I contacted Holt Korea. They sent me papers that didn’t reveal much more than I already knew but it ends up that I will have to do much of the legwork myself in Korea. Even from my brief search, I feel jealous of the people who have already found their families. I don’t even know why its so important. I feel like I shouldn’t wait too long or they might be gone by the time I get there. I can hang out with other adoptees and even other Koreans and be fine but I don’t feel “Korean”. Maybe family symbolizes what it is to be Korean to me. To have roots there. If there are no roots, then the only roots I have to rely on are the ones in Virginia. I can’t imagine not thinking of myself as an American or a Virginian. I think that is where I am “from”. I am content here. I am not looking to fill a void with “real” family. I have real family and they are here. But I am still curious. Who are they? Do they look like me? Do they act like me? Would I even know if I saw them on the street? Is blood really all that important? Is it blood or memories that create a bond? That is my question and the only way to answer it is to compare, to compare my Korean family to my American family.

Hopefully in the next year or two I will be able to go back to Korea fully prepared to search. I try to tell myself that I shouldn’t get my hopes up and face facts but it is difficult not to wish for something that is seemingly unobtainable. I don’t think I’ll ever really be prepared for what is ahead of me. I just have to take it as it comes.