The Talk
I faithfully go to visit my mom and grandmother three times a week for dinner. We eat, watch the news, and drink some decaf. The talk is usually light chit chat. On one of these evenings last week I brought out my translated adoption papers. I was a bit nervous because we’ve never had a real talk about my adoption. She has often told me the story of my adoption from her perspective. The waiting. The excitement. How she knew I was hers since she saw my first photograph. She read over the papers and said she was glad I was going to Korea and that it would be good for me. So far, so good. We continued to talk about my years growing up and I mentioned how there were not many Asians then. She responded by saying, “But there are more now!”. Then she sat and thought for a minute. Then she asked The Question. “Are you glad you were adopted?”. I hesitated because I felt like it was a loaded question. How am I supposed to answer that? To me this is not a yes or no question. Plus it was bordering on the “Aren’t you grateful you were adopted?” question. Without knowing how to sum up my multitude of feelings I meekly answered yes. My hesitation was definitely noticed. She said I didn’t sound so sure. So I tried to explain how I wished that I knew more about where I came from. How I wished I had grown up knowing other Asian kids. How I wished that being Asian was something significant. I looked at my mom. She was looking more upset at this point. She said she didn’t know if my life would have been any better if I had stayed in Korea. My grandmother then asked if I loved them. I was insulted by the question. I continued to try to explain that these issues and feelings are not unique to me. Many other adoptees feel the same way and they come from all different types of homes- from the most loving of atmospheres to the abusive. I tried to explain that of course I love them. They are my family and I have no other but love cannot fix everything. My mom finally burst out crying. She has always suffered from extremely low self esteem and has carried around a lot of unnecessary guilt about her mothering. Since my one and only sibling is a jackass, I am “the good one”. I support my family in many ways. One way is by constantly reassuring my mom that she’s a good mom. I told her I didn’t tell her all of this to make her feel bad or guilty. But she only kept saying that she let me down. That she had screwed up with both of her children. My grandmother, the peacekeeper of the family, consoled my mom by telling her that she only did what she felt was right at the time. When I was four my dad went to work one day and never came home. He ran off to California and started a new life. For three years my mom had no clue of his whereabouts. She just knew that she was stuck with two kids and a lot of debt. She spent many years working three jobs and trying to stay sane. I understand this was a difficult time. Working and raising us must have been draining. I always told myself this when I wondered why she never included anything Korean in my life. I don’t know if she just never thought about this or if she did but hoped it would never become an issue. But it was certainly becoming an issue now. She told my grandmother to stop making excuses for her and that she should have tried harder with me. I felt confused by all of my emotions. Angry because I thought what she said was true. Why didn’t she try harder? Was race ever discussed when they were trying to adopt a Korean baby? Didn’t they know I would be asking questions at some point? I was saddened to think of how upset she was getting but irritated because this was becoming less about my issues and more about hers. We just sat in silence for a while until I said I had to go. My grandmother walked me out. “She’ll be ok. I understand.” she told me. I’m not so sure about either of those statements. I don’t know how this will change our relationship. I hope for the better. A more open and honest relationship. But it feels like its heading for the worse. Like a wall that’s always been there but we pretended not to see it.
kjungs said,
July 1, 2007 at 9:37 pm
hi, came by via twicetherice. i totally empathize with you. in fact i could easily put myself in your position in such a conversation. that is a very loaded question, and it seems no matter how you answer, you’re not being honest to someone; yourself or those who raised you. i guess it comes down to how open minded are your adopted family going to be of you when you are doing your identity search, and when future discussions come up? If they want a close relationship with you they’re going to have to take the good, bad and ugly. and not make every issue their own. that’s tough.
mundyster said,
July 1, 2007 at 11:15 pm
hi! nice to meet another reader and blogger. i bookmarked you
please add me if you like. mind if i do the same?
i’m finding that my feelings are valid in the writings of others, like you. it really helps when confronting all of this. thank you. i hope to meet you too in korea! i can’t believe how soon it is.
btw, i noticed the blythedoll on you links. my middle name is blythe. i hardly ever see that name.
Andrew said,
July 2, 2007 at 1:05 am
Hello, I’m a fellow adoptee. My talk with my adoptive parents went similarly. There was a lot of tension.
However, I also read your post on your search and interactions with Holt. I too had started my search with Holt and was told I had to pay $400. What a crock. I stumbled across Holt Korea and e-mailed them. After a couple months (and some mistaken identities) they found my birth father and family. They simply telegramed the listed address and did some detective work by talking with the involved persons.
Holt Intl. are punks. They are concerned with new adoptions, not old people like us that happened 20-30 years ago. They’re a business. Now, Holt Korea is also a business (debates about transracial adoption aside). But, they really make efforts to help adoptees.
Have you tried to e-mail Holtkorea@hotmail.com? They simply see if your birth mother left a name or address and then contact her. They talk to her (if she can be found) and see if a meeting is feasible.
Two good adoptee friends of mine searched this way and both found their birth mothers within a month.
Bottom line: bypass Holt Intl. Also try GOA’L korea and ask for Dae-won Wenger (goal.or.kr).
kjungs said,
July 3, 2007 at 1:02 am
mundyster: most def,please add me! i’d be flattered. the korea trip is looming over me and yet i’m not really ready. so much has been going on i’ve not really had time to look forward to it. or really prepare myself emotionally…
andrew: holt had also told me about the $400 fee to do my search. it went up for some reason. i didn’t have any luck with them either. in fact i had more info. on my adoption than they did! after that failed attempt i emailed holtkorea and they had a little bit more info but nothing to really get anywhere to contact someone. goa’l is so understaffed that they’re not able to look into every inquery for searches or to do indepth research of your file. at least that’s the case with me. dae-won is friendly and trys to help adoptees as much as he can.
twicetherice said,
July 3, 2007 at 1:27 am
Good luck to you, Mundyster sister. You never know where things could lead. My mom has surprised me a lot in recent years. Things I never, ever expected to come out of her mouth … well, they’ve come out, and man, was I floored. Some good, some not so good, but at least I feel as though I’ve been more honest with her about myself. That’s all we can really do — and then hope they will be honest with themselves, too.
I think you guys are on the right track. Bypass Holt Int’l and their $400 “fee,” for sure, and head straight to Holt Korea to try to get what info you can from your files, and if at first you don’t succeed, then try, try again. So much of what happens behind the agency walls is really a crapshoot. It depends on the social worker you happen to be dealing with, her mood, and apparently the alignment of the stars. It seems like a bunch of fellow adoptees I know are dealing with Holt these days, and some are having more luck with getting their info than others. I say during the Gathering, we stage an intricate Mission Impossible-like infiltration, seize all of your files, and leave nothing behind but mints on their pillows.
The fellow adoptees and the Korean Koreans @ GOA’L are really great, and very conscientious about advocating for us. They do a really wonderful job, considering how little support they get from Korean government agencies.
vietk said,
July 3, 2007 at 2:44 am
Hello (been reading your blog) and a few things came to my mind upon reading this post:
I think you’re very balanced to look outside yourself when you’re looking at the fact that your mom had 3 jobs, debt, and 2 kids who she probably didn’t plan on raising alone, and how that may have affected how much time/effort she had to give to other things – but at the same asking the questions and making sure you get what you need – because it is about you and I think we all have the right to ask those questions and talk about what we feel and why certain things didn’t or did happen in respect to our adoptions – I just wanted to say good luck on all of this
On another note – bad tv. rocks – and I’m going to hit up that DVD you mentioned in your earlier posts – sounds good.
mundyster said,
July 3, 2007 at 7:40 pm
Thanks for the support. Like I said its nice to hear other stories. It makes me feel like I’m not alone and I have a right to feel the way I do. Also, thanks for the advice. I wrote to Daewon and he gave me a few suggestions. I have already gotten papers from Holt Korea but I’m not sure if that is all of it. Maybe they are holding back. Perhaps the saying “persistence is key” is true.
Christine said,
July 3, 2007 at 9:45 pm
I think reassurance is a loving thing to do in all relationships so I don’t know that it’s necessarily a bad thing that you reassured your mother that you loved her and your questions were did not negate that fact. I have to reassure my daughter (adopted at 20 months and now 9 yrs old) over and over every single day that I love her and won’t ever leave her. She has very low self esteem and because I love her I know I need to do this for her in a way I do not have to do with my son (biological) who does not feel he is not loved because I spend time with his sister or my youngest daughter (adopted at 10 months from China) because she has an inherently different personality than her elder sister.
With that said I think you have a right to be validated by your mother regardless of what her life was like when she was raising you. It’s not about ‘her letting you down’ but rather her acknowledgment that she understands your pain and confusion. That she not make this about HER. One can be honest about their situation (having three jobs, single mom) while still empathizing with how that must have been for their child. I do think she was not educated about how important this is as adoptive parents are today. There are still many adoptive parents who feel that race/culture is not a huge factor in their child’s ultimate happiness. Love will conquer all.
peaceofrice said,
July 5, 2007 at 7:09 pm
Just chiming in to offer virtual hugs…been there and still am with my own mother.
Shelise said,
July 6, 2007 at 12:59 am
I’ve had a few conversations with my family members similar to yours. On one hand it is liberating to discover the new ways to think about transracial adoption and how it relates to your own experience, but on the other hand, it is scary because there is a lot of guilt and questions of loyalty and gratefulness to your family that arise. The last conversation I had with my mom ended up giving me a migraine and it only lasted about 30 seconds! I told her about filling out some paperwork to actually begin my Korean family search. She told me she thought that was good and that she and my dad are there to support me (great!) then she said, “I’m still your mom, nothing can change that.” Some people would think that was great too, but it just made me feel guilty and resentful for feeling guilty and disappointed because I felt like she didn’t really understand why I started my search in the first place.
Anyway, I feel you and . . . I LOVE SYTYCD. It’s the best bad TV out there.
mundyster said,
July 6, 2007 at 11:17 pm
christine- unfortunately love cannot conquer all. my point to my mother was exactly that- even though she did what she thought was right at the time, the things that weren’t done have lasting effects. i agree that adoptive parents didn’t have the resources available to them back then that they do now but ultimately its up to the parent in how they raise their child. i hope that parents today take advantage of current resources. and i hope they take the time to listen to adoptees/ adoptive families who came before them.
shelise- will you be in korea next month? if so, hope to meet you there!
p.o.r.- thanks for the hugs. i hope to hear more of your story one of these days. maybe in korea…
Shelise said,
July 11, 2007 at 5:24 pm
No, I am not going to Korea. I wish I was, but I found out about it too late to properly plan. It sounds like it is going to be really great trip. I look forward to hearing all about it. I hope you have a wonderful, enlightening time.
Liza said,
July 15, 2007 at 9:54 pm
umm. hello? what am i? chopped meat?
just kidding, this is a great post. i’m glad you’re writing and building a community. i’ll write more privately.
Christine said,
July 21, 2007 at 12:04 am
I’m sorry- I didn’t write very well (grammatically incorrect!) When I said “many adoptive parents feel that race/culture is not a huge factor in their child’s ultimate happiness. Love will conquer all.”
I shouldn’t have put the period where I put it! I mean to say that adoptive parents believe that love will conquer all. I can attest to the fact as you say that it sadly does not. Sorry for the confusion due to my grammatical error- I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful on your blog. Christine
JR said,
August 7, 2007 at 1:14 am
Hi! I just wanted to say hello, I am glad to meet you at IKAA and I’m enjoying your blog. This post especially resonated with me. I have tried a few times to have “the talk” with my a-parents and they just won’t engage in the conversation. I’ve finally let it go, knowing that once again, I have to protect their feelings over my own. But I think both you and your mother were brave to enter these waters and I truly hope that after you return from Korea, you’ll be able to continue this dialog.
Jae Ran
Mee Hee Park said,
August 19, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Hello, facebook friend! =D
This post is something that I think a lot of adoptees can relate to…there’s always SOMEONE out there who’s decided to ask that ridiculous, unanswerable “Are you glad/grateful/relieved/etc etc” that you were adopted?”
even worse when its your own parents~~ughhh…
echoing JR, I hope that you are able to breach the topic again with your family and they will try to see your perspective–esp after your journey to korea! (how was it, by the way???!!!)