Korean or American
After 31 years I am just beginning to realize that Korea and its culture will never be mine. Never.
All of that was lost when I was adopted. I used to not think about it at all but now that I’m going to the country where I was born all of the feelings are popping up. I really feel like I don’t belong here or there. People ask if I’m excited about my ‘vacation’. I never know what to say really. I am excited but also very scared. How will I fit in? I won’t fit in. Am I supposed to observe Koreans in their natural habitat in hopes that I too can be 100% Korean someday? I don’t even know what that means. I just know its something I will never really be. No matter how loving my family is, no matter how supportive they are, all of that is lost and can never be replaced.
For a while now I’ve felt angry and impatient with my mom. I thought I felt this way because she can be depressive, negative, and a bit manipulative sometimes. But something feels different. Maybe I resent her for wanting to adopt me. I don’t know. I know she would be very hurt by this but these are the dangers of adopting. Especially adopting a child of a different race. Sometimes I don’t understand why she never put in more effort for me to be around other Asians or help me learn about Korea. I know I said that stuff is irreplaceable but I feel it could have helped. But it feels like she ignores the fact that I’m NOT white. Just the other day the news had a story about Korean Americans fearing a backlash because of the psycho killer at Virginia Tech. I was with my mom watching the story and she didn’t say a word to me about it. No questions like “have you had any trouble?”. She only said a backlash would be stupid and that was it. But what she doesn’t see is that its very possible regardless of if she thinks its right or wrong. And it could be directed at her daughter.
This trip to Korea may upset my perception of where I belong. Much of the time I forget I’m Asian but then some idiot makes sure to point it out to me. I know I don’t always fit in here and I won’t fit in there. Its difficult to explain to my friends who are white and not adopted. I’d call myself an American but to many people in this country American = white. That tells me that under the surface, in their eyes, I’m still a foreigner. I just don’t know what to think of all this. I don’t want to be a crybaby about it but its like when my grandfather died. I know I will never see him again. And I know I won’t ever really see Korea.
Jaye said,
May 1, 2007 at 10:42 pm
Damn. You just summed up 99% of why I’m NOT going to Seoul this summer. And you’re not a crybaby, coming to term with living in the bubble of white on the inside, Korean on the outside is a hard dive to delve into. Especially just coming into it in one’s 30’s. I envy the current wave of TRA’s who are (supposedly) growing up in this PC age where white adopting parents are (again supposedly) being reminded to not erase their children’s heritage and to seriously acknowledge things such as racism and not whitewash everything. It also makes me want to bludgeon the people and notions that started the whole rescue mentality of we’re better off here than there, who never seriously considered the impact it would have on us.
I cling very hard to the KAD/TRA culture that’s so strong in the blogosphere because it’s our ethnic category. You’re right, we’re not Korean, we’re not Korean-American in the sense we have past generations to teach us what Korea is, and we sure as hell are not white. We’re somewhere in between that crosses the lines between culture and genetics.
I’m so glad that you started your own blog! Looking forward to reading more. And to live vicariously through your experiences of before, during, and after of this summer’s trip. Just remember the soju pouring protocol and you’ll be fine.
twicetherice said,
May 2, 2007 at 4:30 am
The caught-in-the-middle feeling of being a perpetual foreigner/outsider within is certainly something I can relate to. I think, though, that there’s no better time to go to Korea than with a shload of other perpetual foreigners (adoptees) who will be going through a lot of the same uncertainty. It’s so true that we as TRAs and transnational exportees have had to carve out our own identities in the space between.
And I know exactly what you mean about your “vacation.” Ha. This ain’t no vacation or carefree getaway. At least you know with hundreds of others there, we can at least return to the safety of our “own kind” when things get prickly.
mundyster said,
May 3, 2007 at 2:57 am
thank you for the welcome to blogger world. glad to be here.
now i know why you do it. it sure does feel good to write things out. and it feels good to have people on the other end who can relate.
yes, i am very glad i am going to korea for the first time with a bunch of other KADs to be my security blanket. so ji-in, if i try to snuggle up and start sucking my thumb, don’t be alarmed
hopefully more posts to come!
twicetherice said,
May 3, 2007 at 7:27 am
Girl, I am sure that there will be periodic group calls for assuming the fetal position this summer. Light up the KAD signal if you need to summon us and I’ll bring the KADmobile ’round to pick you up.
soon-young said,
May 4, 2007 at 2:41 am
Yay! I look forward to meeting you in person this summer. Oooh even more reason to get psyched for this. Your post here could have been written by me. The only thing is, meeting more and more other Korean adoptees who validate my experiences in the past year has made me feel so much better about my identity “crisis” if you will. At any rate, welcome to the blogosphere! I’ll be reading often. Can I link your blog to mine? Let me know.
mundyster said,
May 4, 2007 at 2:52 am
thanks for dropping by my blog soon-young. i am excited to meet you too. i’m excited that you and the other kads will no longer be pictures on a screen.
sure you can link me. mind if i link you? that is when i figure out how to do that:)
and ji-in and butta, i can put you too if you like.
let me know!
sume said,
May 5, 2007 at 8:01 am
I can relate to what you’ve written in more ways than I can say.
Just wanted to offer an official, “Welcome to blogosphere!”
mundyster said,
May 5, 2007 at 6:15 pm
thanks sume!
peaceofrice said,
May 9, 2007 at 10:48 pm
I linked you! Feel free to link me if/when you figure out how.
sume said,
May 11, 2007 at 2:44 am
*bonks head
Oh, I forgot to ask. Do you mind if I link you?
mundyster said,
May 11, 2007 at 2:50 am
sure sume, you can link me. i can link you too
Shelise said,
June 1, 2007 at 3:05 pm
I look forward to hearing more about your journey, as I find myself in a similar place as you. I am, for the first time, really examining my life as an adoptee and a minority in America. Also, I have just begun my birth family search. Thanks for sharing. Best of luck!
mundyster said,
June 1, 2007 at 11:21 pm
thanks shelise. i hope your search turns out well. keep me updated on your findings. best of luck to you too!
kjungs said,
July 1, 2007 at 9:43 pm
Welcome! And I’m looking forward to more postings. I hope to meet you in Korea this summer as well. : )
May I link ya?