Korean or American
After 31 years I am just beginning to realize that Korea and its culture will never be mine. Never.
All of that was lost when I was adopted. I used to not think about it at all but now that I’m going to the country where I was born all of the feelings are popping up. I really feel like I don’t belong here or there. People ask if I’m excited about my ‘vacation’. I never know what to say really. I am excited but also very scared. How will I fit in? I won’t fit in. Am I supposed to observe Koreans in their natural habitat in hopes that I too can be 100% Korean someday? I don’t even know what that means. I just know its something I will never really be. No matter how loving my family is, no matter how supportive they are, all of that is lost and can never be replaced.
For a while now I’ve felt angry and impatient with my mom. I thought I felt this way because she can be depressive, negative, and a bit manipulative sometimes. But something feels different. Maybe I resent her for wanting to adopt me. I don’t know. I know she would be very hurt by this but these are the dangers of adopting. Especially adopting a child of a different race. Sometimes I don’t understand why she never put in more effort for me to be around other Asians or help me learn about Korea. I know I said that stuff is irreplaceable but I feel it could have helped. But it feels like she ignores the fact that I’m NOT white. Just the other day the news had a story about Korean Americans fearing a backlash because of the psycho killer at Virginia Tech. I was with my mom watching the story and she didn’t say a word to me about it. No questions like “have you had any trouble?”. She only said a backlash would be stupid and that was it. But what she doesn’t see is that its very possible regardless of if she thinks its right or wrong. And it could be directed at her daughter.
This trip to Korea may upset my perception of where I belong. Much of the time I forget I’m Asian but then some idiot makes sure to point it out to me. I know I don’t always fit in here and I won’t fit in there. Its difficult to explain to my friends who are white and not adopted. I’d call myself an American but to many people in this country American = white. That tells me that under the surface, in their eyes, I’m still a foreigner. I just don’t know what to think of all this. I don’t want to be a crybaby about it but its like when my grandfather died. I know I will never see him again. And I know I won’t ever really see Korea.
